Women Over 50

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50.

“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here’s an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy and I am going to miss him!
Enjoy your retirement, Andy!

When to call the wedding off –

My parents told me that it was a mistake to go on a “pre-honeymoon” in 1987 with my fiancé, that it would douse the magic of our first trip together as husband and wife. Both in their mid-60s, my mom and dad would giggle like teenagers when they recalled their own honeymoon, driving in 1952 through the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee.

I didn’t listen and nor should you. I believed then, and I know now, that traveling with someone you are engaged to be married to is a very wise move. You may find out, like I did, that there was very little magic in the relationship in the first place. Quickly you discover quirks and questionable behaviors that could save you from making one huge mistake.

Is he cool under the pressure of hectic crowds? Does he drag you to museums when you want to loll along a river? Are you hot for him? Is he flexible? Is he fun?

I knew at the airport before we boarded the Air France flight that Mr. Right was probably wrong for me. We arrived in separate cabs and he was wearing a navy blue blazer and a long-sleeved shirt. I was wearing a tank top and a blue jean skirt. Here I was going on my first trip to Paris and I was ecstatic about being surrounded by so many cool-looking people boarding our plane. He was snarly about the long check-in lines, and snippy with me.

By the end of our first day in France, I knew it was over: He balked at my idea of strolling the Left Bank and insisted we arrive first in line to tour the Louvres, this with hundreds of other American tourists on a swampy August day. When I told him the Louvres could wait — we would be in France for two weeks — he told me “it is on our schedule for today.” I responded that I was not on a schedule and that we should “do our own thing” and meet later for dinner at a designated café.

He arrived scowling and silent, after a day in the crunch of more crowds. I arrived tipsy and effusive, after a day of cheese and wine and people watching. That night, in a cozy apartment in the City of Love, as we undressed before getting into one of those tiny French beds, I looked at him and looked away and realized that not only did I not want to sleep with him, I didn’t want to be with him. Throughout our brief courtship our dates had consisted mostly of dinner parties or meals at noisy restaurants. Alone on another continent, just me and him and nothing familiar, it was awful.

The next morning, after sleeping rigidly side by side without even our toes touching, I told him that I had been so enthralled with the idea of marriage that I didn’t really know the man I was marrying. We are so different, I said. You are wonderful, and deserve a better match than me, I added. I cried. After sputtering out a few angry paragraphs not fit to repeat here, he looked relieved. He knew like I knew that I was clearly wrong as his Mrs. I ended up staying in Paris with a girlfriend and he went on to Cannes, where one of his guy friends had a house.

And that was that — except there was some undoing to do once I got back home. Like — I had a room booked, invitations, an ivory silk dress about to be altered at Bendels. Relatives had purchased air travel; my family had hosted an intimate engagement party. The event was impeccably in place — except I had the wrong groom. If this is you, please know it’s okay to call it all off; we’re not talking plans for a Sweet 16 that lasts one night, you are setting the stage for a whole life!

Two months later. I met sexy, witty, relaxed Chuck, a man who does not own a blue blazer, smelled good and felt right instantly, in heart and mind and other places. He still does after raising four sons together and 23 years of marriage.

You can take a couple crucial clues from my botched first engagement on what to watch for when you are gauging whether you should spend forever with someone and bear his children. There should be emotional and sexual crackle between you, whether you are in Indianapolis or Honduras or Paris.

There are many more lessons for brides on the pages of my new book that examines long marriages, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married. The happiest women are still hot for their mates, even when they loathe them. A handful of other wives married men with whom they never felt sexual crackle, or even enjoyed easy friendships. They went ahead with their weddings because they felt family pressure and/or were in love with pomp and not with their grooms. Yet, they have managed to keep their relationships intact mostly for the sake of their children and grandchildren. Some are seeking sex and companionship elsewhere, a stressful and guilt-ridden way to live.

I advise every bride-to-be to take a week or two and travel with your fiancé. You, too, may discover not a partner but a stranger, bristly and cool. Maybe your engagement was like mine, heady and rushed. The vehemence in which he pursued me was flattering and hard to resist.

I never felt powerfully attracted to him and should have seen that as an early warning sign. But he was handsome enough and our physical intimacy was good enough. He was successful and wanted kids. When you are inching toward 30 and you have been a maid of honor three times and a bridesmaid four times, a candidate like this comes along and you think your knight has arrived. Everything was perfect, except us!

I know in retrospect that good enough is not enough reason to buy a wedding dress.

Don’t be afraid to pull the plug if it doesn’t feel right, even if the invitations are in the mail. Don’t worry what other people think of you, even if relatives end up being out a few hundred bucks for non-refundable plane fares. Just because you have the ring and the hotel room reserved, you do not have to get married if the day approaches and have found there is an absence of fun and of lust.

Marriage is meant to be forever and if you cannot say “I do” and mean it, don’t. I’m thinking of a line from one of my favorite old bands, The Isley Brothers, in which they sing, “It only takes a minute, girl, to fall in love.” It also only takes a minute, girl, to fall out of love — if it is wrong.

Marriage means sharing a bathroom, petulant teenagers, in-laws and bills. If you are not hot for each other and comfortable with each other from the start you will have a tough time enduring all the squabbling that ensues after you get the first few years, or first couple of decades, of togetherness under your belt.

Yes, a romp in the hay can make all your problems go away — at least temporarily. That, and the ability to feel loose and relaxed and fully yourself with a person is what you want. You want to feel like you are home together, no matter where you are.

I am grateful to that girl in the blue jean skirt who listened to her gut and saw the light in the City of Love.

Article written by: Iris Krasnow

It Pays To Go To Charm School

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Toronto’s Terminal 3 airport.

The first lady was an affluent Torontonian married to a wealthy business man.
The second lady was a well-mannered elderly woman from Bell Island, Newfoundland. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the Torontonian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Bell Island commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again, the lady from Bell Island commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Island lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” Bell Island Lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?”
The elderly Bell Island lady responded, “Well as an example, instead of saying, “Who gives a fuck?”,
I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious.”

Attention Women: Do We need To Take These Classes?

Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1 – Up in Winter, Down in Summer –
How to Adjust a Thermostat. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 – Which Takes More Energy Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or
Bitching about It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 – Is It Possible To Drive Past a Shopping Mall Without Stopping?
Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 – Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 – Curling Irons — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6 – How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 – Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps
and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 – Health Watch — They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9- I Was Wrong and He Was Right! — Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 – How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 – Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 – How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Why Jewish Daughters Need Therapy

Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”
Daughter: “Yes.”

Jewish Mother: “With whom?”
Daughter: “With a fellow I know.”
Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.”
Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me!”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”
Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?”
Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anybody but your dad.”
Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at?”
Daughter: “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over.”

Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!”
Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”

Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring the kids or not?”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”

Daughter: “ENOUGH!!!”
Jewish Mother: “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser, too!”
Daughter: “So, now you’re worried about the loser?”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you, too, see he’s a loser.”

Daughter: “Goodbye, mother.”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! When are you bringing the kids over?”
Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”

Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”

Geography of a WOMAN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa – half discovered, half-wild, fertile
and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe – well-developed and open to trade,
especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain – very hot, relaxed,
and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece; gently aging,
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious
and all-conquering past

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel – has been through war,
doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving,
but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet – wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages…an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN – Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran –
ruled by a couple of nuts

THE END

What A Woman Wants In A Man

Original List (Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

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