Jewish Mother

Jewish Mom

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.” All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion, You drive a $250,000 Ferrari, You get $2,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year, and You want to throw all that away… Over 45 cents?”

Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!

 

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I’m Sexy and I Know It!!!!

I'm sexy and I know it

When I see someone heavier than their normal weight, I would never describe them as “Fat!”  The word “Fat” in my opinion is harsh, mean and brutal.  There are other nicer words we can say to identify individual on a heavy side. 

We can say “chubby, chunky, big bones, heavy, or li’l buddha!”  There are better words to use rather than calling someone “F,”  do you agree?

Anyway below is a list of quotes from the famous Chubby gals and guys of Hollywood.  They are not only beautiful, they are also intelligent, talented, and have great sense of humor.  

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush!”
– Dawn French

“The reason fat people are happy is that their nerves are well protected.”
– Luciano Pavarotti

“I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.”
– Jane Wagner

“I am in shape. Round is a shape.”
– Anonymous

“I hate overweight, because it implies that there’s a weight standard I should be adhering to.”
– Camryn Manheim

 Don’t go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.”
– Anonymous

There’s a lot more to life than how fat or thin you are.”
– Kirstie Alley

 “When we lose twenty pounds…we may be losing the best twenty pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.”
– Woody Allen

 “You’re either too fat or too thin. You just can’t win.”
– Natalie Imbruglia

“In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.”
– Stephen Phillips

“I’ve always thought of fat as just a descriptive word.”
– Camryn Manheim

“If nature had intended for our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.”
Elmer Rice

 “I was really tired of words like ‘plus size’, ‘round’ and ‘large’. I thought, ‘come on we’re fat’.”
– Kirstie Alley

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.
She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic fainted

If you’re not sure what a 710…here it is!

A LIBERAL DOG

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.
Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
She visits the Doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a Princess, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

My dog is a Democrat!

Liberal Dog

Men Have All The Luck!

Men are just luckier and happier people —
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

His last name stays put.
The garage is all his.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

He can be President.
He can never be pregnant.
He can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
He can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell him the truth.

The world is his urinal.
He never has to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
He doesn’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at his chest when they’re talking to him.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
He knows stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
He can open all his own jars.
He can get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite him,
He or she can still be his friend.

His underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
He almost never has strap problems in public.
He is unable to see wrinkles in his clothes..

Everything on his face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
He only have to shave his face and neck.
He can play with toys all his life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

He can wear shorts no matter how his legs look.
He can ‘do’ his nails with a pocket knife.
He has freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
He can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes, and lastly:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
No wonder men are luckier.

Not Old Yet

Who says senior citizens don’t wear stylish clothes. Hah!!


No matter where I go, there I am.

SENIOR CITIZENS

ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!


Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,

The Perfect Plan

He is wearing "I Love New York" shirt in arabic

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
With Robin Williams’ plan I find it very hard to argue with this logic!

‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’

1) ‘The US, UK , CANADA and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days, the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ , then it’s back home baby!

6) The US, UK, CANADA and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up, the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who NEED it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ ‘

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